There’s numerous ways to clocking your T (telling someone your truth) to the person you’re smitten, and it’s either in-person or from a distance. Now, when to clock it is an entirely different story.
I was married to a man that I did not tell my “T” too, it ate at me to keep myself a secret to the man that I married. We weren’t in love, we just had a deep sexual attraction, lusting over one another. We got married 3 days after meeting one another, I was 21 and he was 19 and we met on this website called “HotorNot” and instantly we wanted to meet one another. He was new to the island, like most privates in the military, tall and good looking and together, we were like rabbits.
I couldn’t bare to tell him and he never has asked me, nor questioned my T. I would suppress my anxiety with medication and it was a real struggle within myself that it ate at me. It wasn’t healthy for me and the marriage came to an end a year later.
The person that wants to be with you, and vice versa, deserves to know. Some people in the trans community think that when you get the operation, you become just a regular cis-woman, so why tell them? Tell him you had your ovaries removed, you say when he wants a family and adopt and live happily ever after.
That’s when it becomes deceitful. People seem to think its when someone, such as I, who lives authentically, whom appearance is a woman is deceiving in itself, which is false! I’m not a lie, deceit becomes when I lie.
I personally want to be with someone who knows me and vice versa. I believe there is some things that should be left unsaid, like your past exes but, I am a transgender woman, a part of me I will no longer deny and be ashamed of.
I believe the best way to tell someone is after he gets a taste of your personality, you as a person, during the dating stage. I wouldn’t let him know exactly where my home is, until I know for sure he was okay with my T, that way if we kissed or had sex and I told him and he wasn’t okay with it and wanted to hurt me, he wouldn’t know where I lived.
I would never tell someone my T in-person just to be on the safe side and I wouldn’t recommend any girl to do so but, only you know the entire situation to make that call. I would clock my T over the phone, dropping hints, like I’d say something like “there’s this transsexual woman that I met and she seemed really nice” and see how he re-acts to it. If he disapproved of it, I’d get defensive and I’d tell them they’re being ignorant and closed-minded. If he didn’t seem to care, I’d drop more and more hints, as if I’m interested in trans lives and I begin to proceed by asking “what do you think of transgender people” and if his reaction is nonchalant over the phone, I drop another hint by asking “what if I was transgender?” and see what he says. Some said they can’t be with a trans-person but, they don’t mind being friends and some absolutely couldn’t take it, but that fines because it takes a certain kind of man to love a woman like me, a man who does not judge, a man that sees my womanhood.
Anyway, a close friend of mine clocked her T to someone she has been dating for the past 3 months in a letter and he embraced her, still is the same woman he met day 1 he said to her. I asked her permission to share her letter.
Don’t be afraid to share who you are :).
Your reading this because I just did not think I would be able to verbalize it. I did not want to cry, or have people stare at me.
Why would I share my story with you if it would only make me cry?
Well the reason is very simple. I care about you. I respect you; I honor our relationship and the integrity of relationships. The bottom line is I am in love with you. That’s why this is so important yet, so very difficult.
I am not really sure how to discuss the subject matter; it was always one that has been difficult to talk about.
Why? Not because I am embarrassed, ashamed, but because I fear. I fear reaction, I fear disapproval, I fear the questions, I fear the rejection, and I fear you not loving me.
We are all people living our own battles, our own troubles, and our own past. Yet the life ahead is always one that we strive to improve. Certainly, I have made mistakes in my life best described as in past relationships. I vowed not to make those same mistakes. Since I’ve met you, there was a spark in my heart that ignited, something inside that told me I love you. The great saying is you can’t help whom you love.
Since we have been together we have made amazing memories together, ones I certainly will never forget. Walking beside you makes me skip, standing next you to I feel proud and honored, sharing our thoughts and feelings make me feel empowered. I want you to feel those feelings as well. The real question is can you do that not truly knowing whom someone is?
Sure you can, and sure the burden may lie with the ‘big secret’ holder. However, at the end of the day and when I glance over at you and see so much happiness and joy, something inside tells me I want him to know me more. I want him to love me for not only from the start of our relationship but for my honesty, integrity, willpower, and amazing strength that has propelled me to where I am today by the past that I lived.
Sure the dark clouds in the past should not be a burden for tomorrow’s future. In reality I hope they don’t, however, I cant move forward with our relationship without informing you of this very private situation.
I am sharing myself with you, opening up to you, knocking down walls so together the dream would be that together we can walk through the coming doors hand in hand to a brighter more beautiful future.
Where to start… I know the anticipation is killing you by this point, moreover, my anxiety is through the roof because It’s so hard to talk about this yet I know no is the time.
The only way I know how is to explain to you my life as a child. I always knew who I was, I always knew where I wanted to go. Like every little girl they want to have a husband, form a family, learn great things, empower the world, and grow communities. I wanted to venture off and travel the world, and see magical things. As a small child I never knew the impact I could have on the world, or that the world would have on me. I was always the cute little one, the one who ran around and made friends everywhere I went. I was loud, spontaneous, quirky and adorable, as my mother would describe me. However, my appearance was so drastically different then those around me. I cried, and struggled, and wondered why I was so different. Sounds funny but I never knew I was different until I was really in 6th grade. Crazy right? Who does not know they are different until sixth grade.
My 6th grade teacher Mr. Kapepaa (I know its hard to pronounce) but I remember him as though it was yesterday. I shared the same classroom with my twin brother Jesse. What an obnoxious 12 year old. Always running around crashing trucks in the girls, and knocking his pencil against the table. Boys. Anyway, my teacher asked the girls go to one side of the class and boys to the other side of the class… a spelling championship was about to commence. This is where the real turmoil began. I stood up confident and witty as any 12 year old girl would be and went over to the girls side as my brother hustled on over with his guy friends like any ordinary day until the teacher made a horrific revelation. I recall the callous, mean, yet confusing voice utter from his lips “I said boys on one side girls on the other”….. we all remained on our sides until I was yanked by my arm with such force and place along side my brother.
What’s happening I asked? I was than told to go to the bathroom to determine if I was a girl or a boy. My brother…. Ill love him always as he always was there to defend me, protect me, and ensure my honor. Spoke up on my behalf and said I was a girl. That did not set well. I was sent to the principles office where my mother came to defend me and proclaim I was indeed a little girl as years earlier I wanted to dress like her, laugh like her, speak soft like her. Well I went home that day and returned to school and continued being a kid. Nothing really came to much of it other than the usual weekly therapy appointments to discuss what had happened.
It was the summer from 6th grade to 7th grade. What a pivotal moment in a child’s life, and even more so mine. My therapist and other members of a wide interdisciplinary team sat us all down and said there is no better time than now…. I embarked on a journey that was painful, fun, scary, adventurous, but most importantly that completed me. Like I said I always knew who I was I just never had the outer appearance in its entirety. I now underwent medical treatment to begin the process of who I am today.
Fast forward through middle school, and high school… I lived life as a beautiful young adult living life to the fullest with an enormous amount of support and love from family and friends. 18 years old came and I was so excited and thrilled because I had the opportunity to travel across the world to undergo the only thing that prevented me from becoming who I really was. My mother, my brother, and my boyfriend who I later married traveled to the renowned surgeon who vowed to correct my features so I no longer had to live life ‘confused’. I underwent gender reassignment surgery, I was reborn! Kind of.
My life changed, I was physically now the girl I always was, I had my anatomy corrected. The past life of my mix matched anatomy no longer clenched me. I was 100% a women, I even got a new birth certificate that proves I was indeed born a women, because I was. I just had to have surgery to correct a few errors. My past has not affected my life and future until well … when it comes to relationships. Nowhere will you ever know my past unless its something I share, as I don’t disclose my past, as truly it only matters to a rear few. I have chosen to share my story with you because I want to respect you, I want to honor you, and I want to fully love you and you fully love me. I felt that would not be possible if I did not disclose this to you. I will support you and respect any choices you make, as I know this is something difficult to take in. Ill be more than happy to discuss the mater in detail. Or, you can read this later, fold it up, and know I have been completely honest with you. It took me a few months to share this with you. No time is a good time, however I wanted you to see me for the women I am today not the journey that I traveled to get here. I wanted to share my story with you because we have become so close I felt now was the time to share it with you in confidence. I am excited for the future and I hope the future is ours together.
I love you with all my being, and my all my heart words simply cant describe.