A lot has happened in a 2 years

I will start of with the most painful one…our surrogacy experience. My husband and I fought a lot, see, I’m the feisty one and my husband is the patient one. When I’m mad, I’m MAD! While he’s calm, wanting to resolve the issue at that very moment, which heats me up even more. He learned to give me space to cool down, and I learned to be a little bit patient. However, there was an elephant in the room, depression, and we both ignored it.   We didn’t know how to deal with the failure of the surrogacy…and the thought of us never ever becoming parents.

We moved a lot, but that’ll be another post. It was in San Diego when we lost all hope and  became recluse. Before the Indian parliament decided to ban surrogacy to foreigners, we  had already gone through one FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) which resulted in a negative pregnancy. Our surrogate didn’t speak much English and she was always accompanied by Dr. Mahendran (BTW is a crook and the entire Bourne Hall Clinic) who translated what she said through Skype. During the time we waited for the pregnancy test, the ban has already been in placed and thought we were grandfathered in since we went through all the legal procedures, so we thought.

The India government gave noticed to all registered surrogacy clinics to stop the practice and which the clinics did, however, Bourne Hall failed to inform us that they’re prohibited from going further with the 2nd attempt. They asked for payment to go ahead for the 2nd FET and after they received the payment, communication became very very limited. We asked many times after to speak with the surrogate, but Bourne Hall’s response was “She’s fine and resting” or other excuses for us not to speak with her.

We had no idea what was going on. They kept giving us different dates of when the FET will take place and it has already been a few months since we last spoke to the surrogate and got the negative result. At one time, they told us they completed the FET and all we had to do was wait for the results, well, we waited for another couple of months just to be told, they haven’t done it because the surrogate is still in preparation.

My husband and I both knew we were being scammed and was in complete denial that we didn’t even speak of it. We also had a bit of hope, even though it was delusional. We were desperate to be parents. My dreams of becoming a parent was strong and I felt it in my husband too.

We eventually snapped out of it and started demanding answers. We demanded to see our surrogate and not surprised, she wasn’t the same person. Dr. Mahendran insisted she was the same person, yes, we were blinded by our desperation to be parents, but not physically blind! She even spoke English. All our hopes then was shattered, we felt all the ugly feelings no one wants. I felt ashamed.

My husband and I needed closure and hired an attorney to see what was going on and to know the well being of our surrogate. We waited a few weeks to get answers because the Clinic wasn’t compliant (of course). But, finally we were told that the clinic didn’t file the appropriate paperwork to proceed and even if they did, we’d be denied, only those who were already pregnant was exempt from the ban. We also learned that our surrogate flew back to her hometown after the notice…

This may not be our time to be parents and have accepted the fact that we may never be. But at least we have each other. Our relationship has grew strong from this sorrow and as we flip through the pages into a new chapter in life, we’ll continue to live life, and make it an exciting one! And who knows what life has in store for me, we might just get our wish.

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Emotional Rollercoaster

The title pretty much sums it up…my emotions are constantly going from up to down just like my weight! It took us about 5 days to drive cross-country from Washington to Illinois, that’s over 2000 miles! We had to drive separately which was okay for the first 3 days, the first days we drove about 10 hours and reached Montana in the middle of nowhere. It was nearing midnight, tired and needed somewhere to sleep and the closest place we found was some motel straight out of a horror movie. We didn’t know which was safer, sleeping in the car or in the motel room, but we were to tired to drive to another place and we knew the next day would be another long, very long day and we needed a bed to sleep.

Creepy Motel

Creepy Motel

On the 3rd day we reached South Dakota and got to see Mount Rushmore which was AMAZING! We had a good time and we were both amaze at how many Chinese foreigners touring the place…I mean, it’s a spectacular monument, but other than that there isn’t nothing in South Dakota…there’s the corn place, but in my opinion it wasn’t worth seeing.

Mount Rushmore

Mount Rushmore

About the 4th day I just couldn’t take it no more, all the stress that was bottled up emerged and I pretty much had a mental breakdown. Before we left Washington we were waiting for the surrogacy contract for which my husband and I had to sign and get notarized, unfortunately it did not arrive on a timely manner we hoped for, we delayed the move as long as we could, but my husband had to report to Chicago on a specific date.

Chicago

Chicago

We finally got to Chicago on the 5th day and have been living in a hotel since. When we arrived we called the building management of our old place because the tracking number on the documents we were waiting for showed that they attempted to deliver it to us and had left a notice. The post office said they couldn’t forward it to my husband’s parents place in Ohio because it was international mail, only domestic mail could.

We got the post office to leave the package and signed by the building management at our old place and had a relative pick it up and send it to Ohio which we received, finally! We got it signed, sent, paid the embryo transfers fee and now we wait.

Current Situation

Everything went well with my husband in India. He’s back now and currently we are waiting for the contract that was sent a few days ago from the clinic. Since I wasn’t there it had to be sent so I can sign it with my husband and get it notarized and then fax them a copy of it so they can proceed with the embryo transfer. Currently they’re syncing both these wonderful women biological system to make conception possible and we hope everything goes well.

I’ve ask the clinic about the donor but, she wishes to be anonymous. Perhaps there’s a way to convince the clinic to persuade her to give us at least a name. David and I will be completely honest from the start, straight to the point. I know someday, God willing we have children, that they’re going to ask questions, like ‘who’s the donor?’

Last night David and I went to the roof top since the weather has been nice and grilled some steak and prawns, the steak was so delicious, I like mines rare and the view was breathtaking. As of now, we are packing for our move to Chicago! Moving is so stressful, I hate it! However, I am excited about the road trip, yes, we’re driving there and it’s going to take us about 6 days. I excited to see Mount Rushmore and looking forward to breakfast in the middle of nowhere with my husband, enjoying this first time cross country road trip.

Last night

Last night

I’m Transgender

Whether you know I’m trans or not, it doesn’t bother me, in fact, if you were to ask me, I will not deny my truth. But, if you were to ask about my gender identity 5-6 years ago, you wouldn’t get the truth and I’d be very much offended. Then, at times I would literally forget that I’m trans, deep into my delusion, until someone rubbed it in my face.

Learning to love yourself isn’t an easy task, especially if you’ve been told you are worthless throughout your childhood, but, it does get easier by each day once you start to accept that you are NOT what they label you. I started with writing affirmations; I am worthy of love, I’m not a freak, I love myself. There would be days that I’d be too lazy to write, or consciously forget but, I did my best to do my daily affirmation. Eventually, I stopped writing and started complimenting myself through the mirror, and still do to this day, and I started to realize that my destructive behavior was the result of believing the hatred and ignorance. Affirmations really helped me.

I’m transsexual and have no problem telling you, but, when it comes to people I care about, it becomes difficult and my anxiety peeks to the point were I begin to sweat profusely. I fear rejection from those I care about. Like the time when I told my husband’s parents, with him by my side and his parents across from us in our dining room area when they came to visit. I was hesitant to tell them and was so nervous that day, all I could think of was my husband’s love for me, wondering if he would still love me the same if his parents did not approve of me, although he kept insisting he wouldn’t care what his parents thought of me, but, I care. When I told them, they had a look of confusion on their face, fallowed by “really”? There was an awkward silence in the room, my mind racing with my head tilted down, as if I’ve done something wrong. Their acceptance of me was so important, it felt like the future of my marriage depended on it. After a few minutes of silence, I hear “come here and give us a hug” and I look to them with tears running down my face. I was confused if they have accepted me or not, but, as I make my way across the table to give them both a hug, their warm embrace said it all.

Before I’ve met my husband, I thought, and still think the only person you should disclose your truth too is someone you want in your life, your soulmate, someone you love and I believe its their right to know. I mean, can you truly get to know someone you really don’t know?…Other than your partner, it’s nobodies business!

After marriage I felt compelled to tell his parents, especially when they threw hints wanting grandchildren! And when there’s a family gathering, I couldn’t help but think of the elephant in the room…But, the man that I love is their son and I wanted them to know the real me like my husband does.

A photo my husband sent after the storm.

A photo my husband sent after the storm.

So, it’s storming where he is, apparently this occurs a lot…still unsettling…back to the topic…Since we are trying to have a family of our own, should the rest of my husband’s family know my T?

We will be honest with our child, how there’s people like me all over the world, how mommy and daddy met, to conception. Our child will learn that not everyone is alike but, we’re all the same, human, deserving of love, compassion, respect, and the right to live life.

Anyway, how do I go about telling the rest of my in-laws?

Surrogacy India: It Exist!

My husband has arrived safely and went to tour the clinic with the person we’ve been corresponding with. The clinic was exactly how it was described, clean, a modern facility with the latest technology in fertility…and claims to regulate under western standards. My husband will be touring the surrogate home, just to make sure the living standard is as clean as they claim. These criteria were very important to us in choosing a clinic, especially seeing the conditions of some of these clinics through documentaries you’d find online. I and my husband know some of the ethical issues so, we want to make sure our surrogate mother is receiving quality care and living under a clean environment.

We want to protect her to the best of our ability, after all, she would be blessing us with a child we can’t achieve ourselves, implementing that she remains in communication with us during the pregnancy (God willing) so we know how she’s doing and being treated. I just hope she wouldn’t be coerces to say what we want to hear. I hope she wants to remain in contact, if all pan out.

They took a blood test from my husband and sample and will be meeting our surrogate mother shortly, and I’ll be there too! Via Skype! I can’t wait to meet her and see what the future holds for us.

Surrogacy India: Is it exploitation?

I often check the internet about surrogacy in India in the “news” section, and there’s plenty of negative and positive articles. But, what gets to me is the word “exploitation”…Are we really exploiting these women whom are desperate to survive poverty and provide their child[ren] the education they most deserve, and perhaps, even a home to shelter them. We too, are desperate to expand our family, and our only options are to adopt or surrogacy…Adoption is lengthy, which at times can take up to 4-5 years to be approved, and even then, it’s still uncertain…also, given the fact that I’m a transsexual woman makes me a mental case to the agency…being denied one home study after another will be a spit of rejection right to my face, while they charge you for every home study.

So, if we had a surrogate agreement here in the US, would it still be considered exploitation to people who oppose?…People would think not, because the amount of money that will be involved for a surrogate here in the US is greater than it is in India, makes it more acceptable to the eyes of westerners. Out of that $100k and up, does not go to the surrogate mother here in the US, only a small portion of that goes to “reimbursing” her medical bills and what not…reimburse? That’s funny, I’m just going to call it as I see it…she’s being PAID for her service.

So, what’s the difference? Is it because a woman here in the western world gets paid a little more than those women who live in poverty in the 3rd world? What westerners seem to forget is that we have a lot more advantages than those who live elsewhere in the world. A sick child in the 3rd world can’t just go to the hospital and ask for help, unless they pay for the treatment first. The $8k the surrogate will earn, will definitely get her family out of poverty, remember the value of a dollar in the 3rd world stretches far more than it does here. They can buy a home, not ideal to western standards, but accustomed to their life living.

We don’t have over $100k, just like most westerners who don’t, and we desperately want children, so, can you blame us? Or blame the surrogate who desperately want to get out of poverty?

I’m not going to lie and tell you that I’m not conflicted. People who are opposed to surrogacy do make some point. The Indian parliament has made strict guidelines for commissioning parents and, clinics must register with the ICMR (Indian Council of Medical Research) and fallow their rules.

What’s upsetting is that the parliament has not implemented the bill that protects surrogates, which is appalling! Clinics cater to commissioning parents then they would the surrogate. I made it very clear to the clinic that I’d like to keep in-touch with the surrogate, during and after, and is written on the contract, which they agreed too.

As of now, I will keep the clinic anonymous and write about what only matters. I will be sharing that information later on my blog and share all the details.

Its good to be nice

Earlier today, David and I decided we wanted to go out for lunch, which we did. Usually, we’d take the car, instead, we walked about half a mile to take the tram (we’re trying live healthier). Once we got to the tram station, a man approached me and complimented me and immediately after his complement, he made eye contact with my husband to assure him that he was not “making a move,” and then he proceeded to say “I’m gay” and laughed with such a beautiful smile on his face. I blushed and thanked him and went about our way.

I had a huge smile on my face boarding the tram, which was a 10min ride to our destination. His comment made a huge impact on my day and I began to compliment others, and made me even more loving to my husband, embracing my love. He was in a good mood already today but, he was in a better mood after that man’s comment.

I often forget that kindness, a compliment, and a simple gesture holds a lot of power and how it can affect someone’s day and life. ❤️

Surrogacy India: The first step👣

I was so optimist when I was in my teen years but, over the years I’ve become a realist/pessimist which at times gives me a lot of anxiety causing me a lot of stress. I envy my husband’s optimism, wishing I could be like him but, our path getting to where we are now in life is far different, it makes it hard to think that everything will work out, which he absolutely believes will…but, I can only hope it will.

When we first paid the registration fee with the clinic, my stressed levels sky rocketed, there was confusion, wondering if we picked the right clinic and having to deal with my naturalization papers so I can get my passport and a lot of other stuff going on. However, when we received the visa, a burden was lifted, cried with a smile. Whatever the outcome, a door has been open and through it is a light of optimism that lifted my spirit and for us to take our first step into this journey of ours.

Last night my husband booked his flight and accommodation and forward the information to the clinic, he will be leaving next week. The clinic also asked for the “donor & surrogate screening fee” before arrival and once he gets there he would need to pay the “embryo transfer fee,” David told them “no,” will pay upon arrival at the clinic” which they simply agreed too. They take credit cards, which is smart to use in cases that involves money. The first payment was wired which added stress because it can’t be disputed if its fraud and credit cards offer protection with your money.

They have a chauffeur to pick David up at the airport and bring him to his hotel. I’m a little sadden that I can’t be there, only if I had my papers to get my passport (BTW the passport agency grants only 1 temporary passport). Once he arrives, the very same day he will provide his sperm and he would have to provide another on the 4th day. Between those days the contract will be drafted, signed by all the party involved including the surrogate mother’s husband. Once he gets back home with the contract, I would have to sign it and get it notarized and once it’s notarized, we’d send the contract back, which then my husband’s “Medical Visa” will be converted to a “Surrogacy Visa.”

Surrogacy India Update: Glimmer of Hope

The past few days I started doubting my womanhood…I was wondering why the visa was taking so long, maybe the Indian Embassy did a background check on me, I said to David “they may have done a background check and saw that I was born male,” “gay couples are banned from applying for surrogacy,” and he tells me while he turns his head, looks at me with such conviction in his eyes and the tone of his voice “It’s a shame gay couples are banned, no matter what people think, in front of me is a beautiful woman, we were married as man and woman.” But, no matter what he said, it went strait out the other ear and its hard being positive. I noticed my depression started to rub off onto David and also noticed he started to drink 2-3 beers on the weekends, which we hardly ever drank before. I began to tell him to make me a Pina Coladas here and there (like tonight) cause I hate the taste of alcohol, feeling low, wondering why they’re taking so long with the visa. We even received an email from the clinic earlier today asking for an update on the visa.

We called both the indian embassy and the company that handles the visas last week asking them “is there a problem with the visa application?” which they had no answer for us and they’ll get back to us within 3 days. So, we get an email 3 days later with reference numbers, but still no answer.

Finally today, my husband called the embassy and someone told him; We should be receiving something within the mail that needs to be signed. He also asked them whether the visa has been approved or not and they couldn’t give him an answer.

My dogs started to bark, as they do when they hear my neighbors door slam closed. Of course, I try my best to hush them, which they do. I started looking for my purse for the keys to my building complex as I’m ready to walk the dogs for their even walk and I checked the front door to see if I’ve left it on the bench, and as I get closer to the door I see a Fedex envelope. I opened the envelope while David went to the grocery store for ingredients that I needed to make for dinner. The envelope contained just his passport and instantly in my head, he has been denied. I called David to hurry back home, with the sound of defeat in my voice. As I’m sipping my Pina Colada, I noticed that on the back of his passport were stickers with barcodes that weren’t there before and so I began to flip through it and I notice another sticker that had the word “VISA” and mind you, I’m feeling the alcohol. I didn’t know if the drink was playing with my mind, so I waited for my husband to return.

As soon I saw my husband walk through the hall I ran to him with his passport, and he looks through it, he looks at me and tells me “IT’S BEEN APPROVED!” My eyes began to water, my smile from ear to ear. In our possession was hope of having a family.

The journey is still long ahead of us, but this moment, I am happy! 🙂

How to tell your love one you’re transgender

There’s numerous ways to clocking your T (telling someone your truth) to the person you’re smitten, and it’s either in-person or from a distance. Now, when to clock it is an entirely different story.

I was married to a man that I did not tell my “T” too, it ate at me to keep myself a secret to the man that I married. We weren’t in love, we just had a deep sexual attraction, lusting over one another. We got married 3 days after meeting one another, I was 21 and he was 19 and we met on this website called “HotorNot” and instantly we wanted to meet one another. He was new to the island, like most privates in the military, tall and good looking and together, we were like rabbits.SCN_0017

I couldn’t bare to tell him and he never has asked me, nor questioned my T. I would suppress my anxiety with medication and it was a real struggle within myself that it ate at me. It wasn’t healthy for me and the marriage came to an end a year later.

The person that wants to be with you, and vice versa, deserves to know. Some people in the trans community think that when you get the operation, you become just a regular cis-woman, so why tell them? Tell him you had your ovaries removed, you say when he wants a family and adopt and live happily ever after.

That’s when it becomes deceitful. People seem to think its when someone, such as I, who lives authentically, whom appearance is a woman is deceiving in itself, which is false! I’m not a lie, deceit becomes when I lie.

I personally want to be with someone who knows me and vice versa. I believe there is some things that should be left unsaid, like your past exes but, I am a transgender woman, a part of me I will no longer deny and be ashamed of.

I believe the best way to tell someone is after he gets a taste of your personality, you as a person, during the dating stage. I wouldn’t let him know exactly where my home is, until I know for sure he was okay with my T, that way if we kissed or had sex and I told him and he wasn’t okay with it and wanted to hurt me, he wouldn’t know where I lived.

I would never tell someone my T in-person just to be on the safe side and I wouldn’t recommend any girl to do so but, only you know the entire situation to make that call. I would clock my T over the phone, dropping hints, like I’d say something like “there’s this transsexual woman that I met and she seemed really nice” and see how he re-acts to it. If he disapproved of it, I’d get defensive and I’d tell them they’re being ignorant and closed-minded. If he didn’t seem to care, I’d drop more and more hints, as if I’m interested in trans lives and I begin to proceed by asking “what do you think of transgender people” and if his reaction is nonchalant over the phone, I drop another hint by asking “what if I was transgender?” and see what he says. Some said they can’t be with a trans-person but, they don’t mind being friends and some absolutely couldn’t take it, but that fines because it takes a certain kind of man to love a woman like me, a man who does not judge, a man that sees my womanhood.

Anyway, a close friend of mine clocked her T to someone she has been dating for the past 3 months in a letter and he embraced her, still is the same woman he met day 1 he said to her. I asked her permission to share her letter.

Don’t be afraid to share who you are :).

Dear Paul,

Your reading this because I just did not think I would be able to verbalize it. I did not want to cry, or have people stare at me. 

Why would I share my story with you if it would only make me cry? 

Well the reason is very simple. I care about you. I respect you; I honor our relationship and the integrity of relationships. The bottom line is I am in love with you. That’s why this is so important yet, so very difficult. 

I am not really sure how to discuss the subject matter; it was always one that has been difficult to talk about. 

Why?  Not because I am embarrassed, ashamed, but because I fear. I fear reaction, I fear disapproval, I fear the questions, I fear the rejection, and I fear you not loving me. 

We are all people living our own battles, our own troubles, and our own past. Yet the life ahead is always one that we strive to improve. Certainly, I have made mistakes in my life best described as in past relationships. I vowed not to make those same mistakes. Since I’ve met you, there was a spark in my heart that ignited, something inside that told me I love you. The great saying is you can’t help whom you love.  

Since we have been together we have made amazing memories together, ones I certainly will never forget. Walking beside you makes me skip, standing next you to I feel proud and honored, sharing our thoughts and feelings make me feel empowered. I want you to feel those feelings as well. The real question is can you do that not truly knowing whom someone is? 

Sure you can, and sure the burden may lie with the ‘big secret’ holder. However, at the end of the day and when I glance over at you and see so much happiness and joy, something inside tells me I want him to know me more. I want him to love me for not only from the start of our relationship but for my honesty, integrity, willpower, and amazing strength that has propelled me to where I am today by the past that I lived

Sure the dark clouds in the past should not be a burden for tomorrow’s future.  In reality I hope they don’t, however, I cant move forward with our relationship without informing you of this very private situation. 

I am sharing myself with you, opening up to you, knocking down walls so together the dream would be that together we can walk through the coming doors hand in hand to a brighter more beautiful future. 

Where to start… I know the anticipation is killing you by this point, moreover, my anxiety is through the roof because It’s so hard to talk about this yet I know no is the time.

The only way I know how is to explain to you my life as a child. I always knew who I was, I always knew where I wanted to go. Like every little girl they want to have a husband, form a family, learn great things, empower the world, and grow communities. I wanted to venture off and travel the world, and see magical things. As a small child I never knew the impact I could have on the world, or that the world would have on me. I was always the cute little one, the one who ran around and made friends everywhere I went. I was loud, spontaneous, quirky and adorable, as my mother would describe me. However, my appearance was so drastically different then those around me. I cried, and struggled, and wondered why I was so different. Sounds funny but I never knew I was different until I was really in 6th grade. Crazy right? Who does not know they are different until sixth grade. 

My 6th grade teacher Mr. Kapepaa (I know its hard to pronounce) but I remember him as though it was yesterday. I shared the same classroom with my twin brother Jesse. What an obnoxious 12 year old. Always running around crashing trucks in the girls, and knocking his pencil against the table. Boys. Anyway, my teacher asked the girls go to one side of the class and boys to the other side of the class… a spelling championship was about to commence. This is where the real turmoil began.  I stood up confident and witty as any 12 year old girl would be and went over to the girls side as my brother hustled on over with his guy friends like any ordinary day until the teacher made a horrific revelation. I recall the callous, mean, yet confusing voice utter from his lips “I said boys on one side girls on the other”….. we all remained on our sides until I was yanked by my arm with such force and place along side my brother. 

What’s happening I asked? I was than told to go to the bathroom to determine if I was a girl or a boy. My brother…. Ill love him always as he always was there to defend me, protect me, and ensure my honor. Spoke up on my behalf and said I was a girl. That did not set well. I was sent to the principles office where my mother came to defend me and proclaim I was indeed a little girl as years earlier I wanted to dress like her, laugh like her, speak soft like her. Well I went home that day and returned to school and continued being a kid. Nothing really came to much of it other than the usual weekly therapy appointments to discuss what had happened. 

It was the summer from 6th grade to 7th grade. What a pivotal moment in a child’s life, and even more so mine. My therapist and other members of a wide interdisciplinary team sat us all down and said there is no better time than now…. I embarked on a journey that was painful, fun, scary, adventurous, but most importantly that completed me. Like I said I always knew who I was I just never had the outer appearance in its entirety. I now underwent medical treatment to begin the process of who I am today. 

Fast forward through middle school, and high school… I lived life as a beautiful young adult living life to the fullest with an enormous amount of support and love from family and friends.  18 years old came and I was so excited and thrilled because I had the opportunity to travel across the world to undergo the only thing that prevented me from becoming who I really was. My mother, my brother, and my boyfriend who I later married traveled to the renowned surgeon who vowed to correct my features so I no longer had to live life ‘confused’. I underwent gender reassignment surgeryI was rebornKind of.

My life changed, I was physically now the girl I always was, I had my anatomy corrected. The past life of my mix matched anatomy no longer clenched me. I was 100a women, I even got a new birth certificate that proves I was indeed born a women, because I was. I just had to have surgery to correct a few errors. My past has not affected my life and future until well … when it comes to relationships.  Nowhere will you ever know my past unless its something I share, as I don’t disclose my past, as truly it only matters to a rear few. I have chosen to share my story with you because I want to respect you, I want to honor you, and I want to fully love you and you fully love me. I felt that would not be possible if I did not disclose this to you. I will support you and respect any choices you make, as I know this is something difficult to take in. Ill be more than happy to discuss the mater in detail. Or, you can read this later, fold it up, and know I have been completely honest with you. It took me a few months to share this with you. No time is a good time, however I wanted you to see me for the women I am today not the journey that I traveled to get here. I wanted to share my story with you because we have become so close I felt now was the time to share it with you in confidence. I am excited for the future and I hope the future is ours together. 

I love you with all my being, and my all my heart words simply cant describe

Always,

Jocelyn-